Friday, 12 September 2014

Identity Box

I have been at loose ends, it seems, since the family company stream has dwindled to a few spurts rather than a steady stream.  Retirement started out with a bang of moving, visiting, and hosting.  It was a blessing and a distraction for the more challenging event - how to do retirement!  I just read a blog at  that spoke to ME.  That would be RETIRED ME.

It seems like life has defined my roles by default and circumstance since I reached adulthood.  Being a wife and mother filled my first 20 years when I went with the flow so much of the time - when decisions eluded me and life pushed me in one direction or another.  I decided to be a Mom and threw myself into it like it was a "do or die" occupation.  I loved my children with my whole being and channeled my sense of who I am into who I needed to be.  Of course, those worlds blended and collided and evolved into all I became.  I never thought about that - the evolving part.  When divorce clouded the horizon, I became SINGLE MOM with a drive to protect and become all that was needed.  Decisions had to be made, life had to be lived and I knew who I was.  When the mother role naturally began to take a backseat to the career role, I was ready for that change.  I lived and breathed that too!  I think I see a common thread in these meanderings!  Purpose drives me.

Enter retirement!  Who am I?  A sum of all previous parts?  I realized that nothing and no one was pushing, calling, needing me to be anything beyond the obvious.  I mourned the loss of me.  I hiccuped and the edges became blurry.  I stared harder and the image faded into the shadows.  Well, an epiphany was in the making as I chewed this state of mind into a deformed mess of tiny pieces.  Each one, I believe is still the authentic me - I just need to gather them up in their separateness, identify them and then re-assemble them as I continue to build my authentic life.  I needed a visual of what this could be and, there it was!  The Identity Box!  Twelve days into this little experiment and not one beautiful piece of paper has been dropped into its emptiness!  And yet, it feels as though I have first had to spend time unraveling all these mysterious bits -so, the first piece goes in today.  I LOVE TO WRITE.

Exciting to contemplate; a little scary to anticipate the outcome; but, in all honesty, it is not a new me but more like a new photograph for the story of me.  What an album this could be!

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